Today was a very adult day.
A day of discussing pensions (I’m only 21 lol) and permanent jobs (which I am only in a temporary one currently) and just general adult stuff.
The trouble with these kind of conversations is that yes they are good for your future and yes it creates security but also…
what the fuck??? NO!
No meaning, NO I don’t want to hear it, NO I don’t want to be thinking that far ahead and NO why is there so much pressure to have my entire life figured out, while the government continue to take tax from my hard-earned wage and I run a constant circle behind them.
So yeah, it was fair to say those conversations started the heart racing, the mind running and most importantly the feels. All these conversations were part of a meeting held about the department I’m in going through a review, and while reading my little Powerpoint, I could feel it coming. It was as if I was waiting for that little tap on the shoulder, like “Hey Soph, I’m here, ready to have yourself a little panic? it’ll be SO MUCH FUN!”
The thing with anxiety is, in the general scheme of things its not that harmful, it just makes me cry a little. But in reality, it scares me, I get scared of getting anxious, and as soon as I sense that I feel anxious, it scares me to get more anxious?? UGH
This conversation of adult life terrified me into feeling this and thus beginning the cycle of the heart racing, the mind running, and the inability to sit still. My worst habit with my anxiety is once its there I can’t control it and I wait for it to get worse rather than controlling it. So in order to deal with the ever dooming adult life my head was running. Through forests, over hills, along a river and i didnt stop. I just kept running, like that scene in forest gump where he goes until he gets bored. In reality i was sat there staring into the abyss of the meeting room, accepting that this is life and all it has to offer and theres not alot i can do (except cry sometimes)…
Lots of love,